The World

Oh but how hollow I have seen myself
And the mirror deceives as it gleams my reflections off the walls

But it is only me.
It is only me.

Darling, what that I have past the time where I had once loved.
And in this I have landed somewhere far away
Far far into the beyonds of plains that your minds-eye could never go beyond.

I have seen it!
I have captured it…

But where do you sleep now?
Is it not in the same way as you have before?
But then why do I struggle?
Why do I pine for something that does not exist?

My dear, my dear,

But you see that I am who I have always been!
That much I have seen, that much I must see.
For I am the madman that stalks,
and never leaves

Gestalt

Walked into river
River much too cold

Cold is bad
made me think to want warmth.

Fire is warm
then hand get closer

Hot is bad
made me think no good at all.

Met a good man
he gave many gifts (wine and food)

Gifts are good
made me think to do the same.

I gave gifts (wine and food)
people angry, say I try to please too much

Gifts are bad
I will not give as much.

Good and evil
both the same

Will you dare, to make this claim?

When to make decisions

A note to self:

Think! What will the future me see about this that I do not see now?

That I want to act upon what things?
Minimizing regret, what I should do, ought to do –but there’s what’s hidden, what I will to do.
But is my will stubborn? And was this stubbornness knocked out of my two feet into humility? And was my stubbornness that bore me to the other side?
But then why do I fight?
Because man is becoming in all fighting.
But I do not fight for myself.
I fight for the goal.
The cause.
And that I should fight for it in all things I do or say –my striving.

That I should want humanity to look upon this decision one day and understand. That this is what must be done to arrive at anything.
That this process exactly, in vain, in spirit, in love, in hate, in dread, in fear! The worst bouts of fear! Be exactly what is willed and said.
That in essence, I cannot prepare for the decision I wish to make now, and that I can only have the ability to make the decision when I see my Dad, and within that time frame. Indeed that that is what can inform my decision, and that anything I make as a decision before that decision point is a weakness in my heart, and an unwillingness to compromise myself.
I must see the situation –then decide.

But the human would seek to erase what bothers him so quickly, to make it so that a decision is so arbitrarily made.
Is that what would compel all people nowadays? The illusion of decision, that is what I see, that people don’t see that all things are necessarily only within moment. But then we’re tricked by asynchrony. It would have us believe that things are happening as we are not there, and that we also by reflex are always capable and have the option of referencing “there.” There is no there, only here. And that a persistent data store would confuse you with a permanence that’s not there.

That’s not existent –you exist as you act, but are your actions really optionless? There is only so many options, but those options you must decide for yourself.
Based on this moment, this without any reference from the past: must I decide.

Hm

Shine a light, my waking moment
Closing light, a dawning time.

In angels wings I rode to heaven
And in the battlefield, they stood and fought

My abandoned values, I watched as they starved themselves, maimed the others, spoke, and loved, and spilt their blood, as I left their lands, cast above.

Could I not see? Could I not but hear the muses sing? Oh but there are no muses, I have been deceived! Who called out that this is where the miracle speaks?

Who calls out? The air my dear. And I have left my values, fighting as I stare.

Goodbye

Her smile she speaks
and says that kindness above all is what she must preach

I look in her eyes and see no deceit
a lover I find
but not of mine.

I think of her feats,
they are not much to me,
but still I think of her
and think –that I should continue on with her despite my leave.

I consider.
I think.
I could leave with her –a message or link, a memento or way, for maybe someday!

Someday… I wish, but then what’s this burden I feel?
I consider her smile, I consider her pain,
and how inconsiderate if I were to tell her,
that maybe someday…

Maybe someday… would I create this way?
But then I’ve given us both the worst,
that I could not come to truly leave.

I look at her smile,
I think of what she speaks.

Above all be kind.
Goodbye for now.

And there is no deceit.
Goodbye I’m sure.

My lover she speaks,
and though I wish to hear,
and though I wish to see,
and though I wish to help,
and see the cheers and cries of triumph and defeat…

Though I wish that maybe someday…
Today I say Goodbye,

Goodbye I hope
Goodbye I stand
Goodbye and wish, that perhaps we’ll cross again.

A Chipped Mirror

I look in the mirror and see myself. Is this who I am and what I’ll always be? They say a man is only a man so much as they fight; have I done my fighting?

My CEO messages me over email, we’re reading books together. We have several email threads going, full of thoughts and ideals.

We throw our values at each other. Digesting and analyzing each others judgements, separating noise from signal, partials from Truth. We’re sparring, but only in thought-space.

I type out a lengthy reply to his statement on the state of the today’s society. We live in purgatory he says. But Isaac, what if the world was already saved? Can’t you see that we have nothing to worry about anymore?

Yet, despite this, I know he’s quite similar to me. Indeed that we’re even typing about these things to each other, isn’t that the greatest sign of our likeness? Yet somehow the smallest differences are the hardest to overcome.

I wonder if he has any fun. I wonder if deep down, his heart, his spirit, his self, something was torn away from him. Is it because he’s talented yet also idealistic that leads him to shoulder the burden of pain? That the self-reflective man lives in infinitely crueler life knowing he’s the only one to blame? Hindsight my dear, hindsight kills.

But am I not of the same character as him, largely Alone, facing shadows daily for… for what? For my ideals? For the world? For others? Or simply for killing time, boredom; the more talented a person, the quicker they grow bored, and boredom, boredom is the worst punishment.

He sends me a lengthy email in reply, and at once, I am disappointed at the tone. I read,

“If I am the Devil Incarnate, I am also God.
I feel I am neither.
If I am anything, I am just a servant of higher powers.”

A servant… and how I wanted to slap my companion! This kindred spirit of mine, lying down, submitting in pain, in sorrow, in someone else’s name!

Is it not our will that compels us to stand up? To continue on in service of ourselves despite ourselves? That we may laugh a bit more, that we may fight! To rally the call of absurdity, to see to it that we fight, despite not knowing why.

Stand up my friend. Stand up and fight! For did you not see a younger you in me? And did I not see an older me in you? But then isn’t it our destiny to continue on too?

So that is why I fear. That when I look in the mirror, perhaps that I be weary and beaten too. I hear the hidden echoes, “You will tire as I have too kid.”

And he smiles. And I will slap that smile too. He is not done fighting, and neither of us are through. But just because I don’t believe, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

~

The human longs to be lifted. Away! Away from today!
And should we succumb to the fire and flame?
Should we forget the loneliness of our days?

Oh, but I have dreamed! And these dreams I’ve harbored and beckoned to stay amongst my loneliest of company, that they should spread their wings and fly away as I watched. Yes, as I gave rise to my dreams, that they may carry me beyond me.

How I wished for that starry night, that would shine for me the last breath of life,

But make no mistake! As my cries and pains, they are nothing! They are nothing! In exchange,

to see you run away. That I could be left without a heart, but that now, I could see it beating to a drummer that plays another’s part.

So come with me, one last time, to happy meadows, abandoned churches, lost remnants of the worthless begging,

that you’ve left me with.

My dreams. my dreams. That you may escape from me.

Away with you! I turn to leave, and should you stay –I know you will, this much is my happiness, tears belonging too.

Thank you whom –my dreams, I leave for you.

For Those Who Would Spread Love

I profess, in you I see much to love! But this is not enough, you’re fearfulness shakes me up inside. Where love is pure yours is amuck!

There’s something there that shouldn’t be. What is it? Huh, do tell me dear –in your speech, you profess to me:

–‘Love I see! Is the most important thing. And to spread this gift, the only thing.

I stand above these sharks, who would hurt and follow –and my heart is weak, from anything too shallow.’

But dear, what is love? For doesn’t nature show the cruelest touch? A mother bird pushes her darlings from the nest –and die they might, but so they must fly!

‘It’s interesting you should say! But still I see kindliness –and is this not what we should all aspire to? Polite and curt?

There’s nothing worse than a man who makes a huge fuss –over what? Nothing! And they speak bad words, backstab, and hurt.

Isn’t it better, if we lived without hurt?’

But did you not just –fuss over this man? And did you just not betray, your hate for his kind?

Where is your love for him? That I should ask –because it seems that your love, is not as far as I thought.

‘No, you have me wrong! I only mean to say –that this is a part. In person I’d never, say any of these words.’

Your actions betray your self-contained world! That you should speak these words to me –behind the backs of these sorts of men.

And even worse that in person, you’d never let them know of your honest thoughts.

‘But do you mean to say that I’m petty too? I can’t see how that could be true! I’ve done nothing wrong –I’ve only said words.’

But precisely this –you’ve never done good. You’ve never accepted fear –you run from it too quickly to see what it’s trying to say. And if you did, you’d act –and follow a different path of pain.

But instead you hide, in love’s warm domain –and in its name you excuse yourself, from doing anything great.

A Conversation with my Soul

Me: “That I would be brave enough to say these things, tell me, is it in my nature?”

–“Should it be in your nature?”

Me: “That I was hoping you would tell me. I fell upon a dream yesterday that reminded me of the outcasts of yesteryears. That I would be condemned to insanity, isn’t that everyone’s greatest fear?

I speak to myself, but have no where to turn, who would dare enlighten me now? Is that not your final task?”

–“That you should seek your own enlightenment, this seems unenlightened to me.”

Me: “But I cast myself in doubt! Do you see how the people run? They can’t stomach me, or I have no ways to judge stomaching!

That I should speak to a wall would fare better for everyone! But then, how could I be so selfish as to speak to a wall!

Damned! I was damned upon birth! And in the end, I cannot even stomach myself!”

–“You laugh.”

Me: “If only underneath. If only under you my soul!

Do you pity me? But at once I see that you don’t. I fear the people –should I fear myself? Do I have no grounds to believe in anything else?

You’ve caught me spirit! I’ve no where to hide. But then why do you insist, to keep shining light? Does the night not ask for a chance? So that it too may dance?

I heard my shadow the other day. It would have me be gay!

But no, I live in nowadays, this language can’t stay. Too many books and hollow poems, have ruined my brain! That I could not shut off abnormality in speed, I’ve gone to love this me. But is this not the most foolish me, I’ve come to see?”

–“Then I would say you’re free.”

Me: “From who or what do you mean?”

–“…”

Me: “I see. Then I’m finally Alone and free.”