The World

It was as if I typed enough things then I shall make them come true; the abstraction layer of life so as to give to others the requisite knowledge of abstraction! We think we understand abstractions, but can we really trace it to the root? And if we can’t trace it to the root, then what powerful tool are we using that we don’t understand that commands the magic behind the underlying reality?

Ah, but words! They give us such control over things, lead us to believe that we are mighty! For words! Words! Have given us certainty when in the beginning there was only uncertainty.

But what have we traded in exchange for words? I wonder it all the time… what have we lost because we have gained words? For it is a rule in nature that should one gain, one must lose, and should one lose, one must gain. There is always equivalence in some manner, but can we see the equivalence we have paid with words?

How much longing and wrestling away at demons have words brought to existence! And can man even understand anymore what is really there or what is just a mirage? But we have come closer and closer to achieving this dream state… where one day words will parallel reality: only, this reality will be completely virtual, but then, why should we care? The brain does not make a difference on the level of virtual versus non-virtual: what it sees is surely real: despite it happening across a computer screen.

And therein lies again the tradeoff… the mind makes no difference of the voice that sings across your laptop and the voice that sings in front of you. But then, should it make a difference? Or have we only confused ourselves more by beginning to believe that TV is reality…

Oh but what am I saying! TV? We live in the age of streaming! TV isn’t even a mirror of reality, personal taste is the reality… of selecting a variety of music, of “choosing” which of the curated articles you read, of musing of the crassness of movies all the same while watching them, which of course came from a recommendation…

All built upon words! Words! Abstraction, the beauty! But what have we given…

Things I Did A While Back

At the end of 2014 into 2015, I had an obsession with tracking my time. I was previously using things like Rescue Time in order to track my time on the computer… and decided to escalate it as there was all this time that I wasn’t tracking off the computer.

I went manual. So from mid-November 2014 to the end of January 2015 I tracked all my activities to the best of my ability in a text file. Here they are.

I changed the names of people to GENDER_LETTER to reflect people who don’t reoccur often. Other names were switched to gender-appropriate aliases to protect identity. A few other things are switched for clarity and are denoted by THIS_SORT_OF_CASING, but everything else is raw.

When I played copious amount of video games, I logged it. When I had sex, I logged it. When I ate, when I showered, when I spoke with people, when I did homework, if I multi-tasked and listened to music while doing homework… it’s all there.

Context: This is a 19 year old boy in college who is planning to drop out of college at the end of the quarter: so around April. As a result, I didn’t go to class as often as most students and so a lot of hours were spent working on projects or else talking to people.

I’ll let the documents speak for themselves, but a few interesting facts over the course of the ~75 days:

I spoke to 61 different people: 32 females, 29 males.

With Emma, I spent 5 hrs 45 min in Nov, 28 hrs 45 min in Dec, 30 hrs in Jan for ~64 hours total.

With Sarah, I spent 23 hrs 30 min in Nov, 23 hrs in Dec, 7 hrs 15 min in Jan for ~53 hours total.

With Mike, I spent 30 min in Nov, 7 hrs in Dec, 14 hrs in Jan for ~21 hours total.

Cumulatively: that’s ~138 hours with the top 3 people.

I played a lot of video games: in November 0 hrs, December 53 hrs 30 minutes (HearthStone), and January 81 hours (CardHunter) for ~134 hours total, (roughly the same amount of time I spent with top 3 people…)

On the “work” front– really career related things like school, clubs, and projects:

For Classes/Studying, I spent 12 hrs in Nov,  48 hrs in Dec, 27 hrs in Jan for ~87 hours total.

For iOS Related projects/work, I spent 8 hrs 30 min in Nov, 17 hrs in Dec, 47 hrs in Jan for ~72 hours total.

For TECH_CLUB (which I created), I spent 30 min in Nov, 30 min in Dec, and 47 hrs 30 min in Jan for ~48 hours total.

Cumulatively: that’s ~207 hours in “career”-related activities.

I also spent a substantial amount of time reading, writing, and reflecting… but that’s nothing too new.

A few other notable moments:

When you don’t even know what you did for an hour:

Nov 26, 2014:
??? (10-11PM)

When you get food poisoning… and then

Nov 28, 2014:
Woke up at 4AM
Vomiting (4AM -> 9AM)

Still guesstimate how long you were food poisoned for

Nov 30, 2014:
Woke up at 8:50AM
Morning Routine + Filling in Nov 27/28 now (due to sickness) (8:50AM->9:10AM)

When one nap just wasn’t enough…

Dec 7, 2014:
Nap (3:10PM -> 3;44PM)
Nap (3:44PM -> 5:05PM)

But on a more serious note…

There was pain:

Dec 26, 2014:
Move out of Dad’s House(12:00PM -> 2:35PM)
Texted + Tried calling Sarah (11:20PM -> 12:00AM)
Insanity
Sleep at 12:15AM

And hope:

Jan 16, 2015:
Best Idea(11:50PM -> 12:30AM)

And a conclusion:

Feb 2nd, 2015:
Woke up at 10:45AM
->> DISCONTINUING THIS DOCUMENT. REASON: I don’t know, but I think I need to step away from rationality and precision of clarity. I must return to being okay with grey and uncertainty of my own actions.

A will to feel instead of analyze must be taken up.

All of this actually happened. Cognitive Dissonance. And the question still remains, how ought a person spend their time?

Well, how do you spend your time?

The Futility of Progress

I wrote this in May 2016:

~~~~
So long as there is self-thought, perhaps there can be progress. What to do now, next has always been the question. And is it so hard to see the way forward? Great. Finish finish finish. Why is it so hard to do something to physically be tired? Anti fragile is the way [1]. Anti fragile must be the way. Let me know god.
~~~~
Masturbation.

 

 
~~~~
Motivation crumbles, falls, fades and laughs on its way down. The man in the mirror reflects back at him, unable to stand and devoid of meaning. A blank reflection, a blank face, a nobody. This future stares easily, it is the future we’ve all known to agree to, to accept, to belong. We are tied in our mediocrity. And the millions on this earth some toil and work and for what? It is unheard…

But what marks of competency do you strive? To which skills do you derive? And do you compete against the greats? Or simply learn to embrace your own? There is shame and defeat in your body. There is the inkling that reality does not follow. That there is a place for softness, for love and tender, for things and beings. Who would call me but a lost fool? A man born to stumble, to fall and grasp, to keep at search. Is this not what I’ve known? Is this not my fate? There is a departure point. A moment that beckons and says: to move forward there is no return, there is nothing but you. Alone. And in this state, you’ll learn of your character. You will learn of your shame. You will learn of the end. What we want is not what we want. What we think is not what we think. What we wish is not what we wish.

And I will leave it at that.

—-
Footnotes:
[1] Anti fragile is a concept from a book that says whereas some things are worsened by disorder (i.e. entropy) some things are actually improved. Imagine shaking a box and having the contents inside that box benefiting from the shaking (vs what we normally think… which is that the contents in the box will be ruined, i.e. fragile).

AI

To build an AI requires less computation power, how does one throw less computation power and still achieve similar or better results than humans?

The answer is in the constraints. Humans are able to take an infinite number of ways to act and boil it down to one, an actuality. Thus, an AI should be able to do the same. Humans are constrained by their environments, mental knowledge (imitation), and identities… how does one constrain an AI then with code?

Self-Discipline

ziglar

Anyone see what’s wrong with the above?

Hint: “self-imposed” … “designed to create.”

How is your discipline self-imposed if you’re using a planner to do it? This isn’t a backlash on the company writing this, it’s a call to all the people (consumers, meaning, us) who read that and buy it.

Why do we buy it? Because we constantly want to believe we’re doing what we ought to while not doing it. The image of what we’re doing is more important than the actuality of it happening.

Example: Ever meet a friend who just wants to help with everything? He’s super helpful, right? No, he’s usually actually a pain in the ass and does things that everyone knows isn’t really helping but no one wants to say anything since he’s trying to help. He wants to be seen as helpful rather than actually be helpful which would entail a lot of different things.

So, if you’re buying a planner to “self-impose” discipline… well, who’s imposing the discipline? You? Or the planner?

 

Eager Wants

Instead of crushing people’s desires, why not just help them obtain those desires?

For some reason we think it’s appropriate to stop people from their “eager wants”, rather than teaching them a path forward. With a path forward, it forces that person into a state in which they have an application to their eager wants, and given this application, if they are not inclined to take it, then it must be meant to say that the dreaming was more important than the actualization of that dream.

Is this not a better way to teach? For movement is always better than stagnation.

Words

The first thing that came to mind is religion. My mind speaks to me again I suppose, and I apologize for the unwritten days that I spent thinking I could think through everything on my own. Perhaps now I understand that it is to have been given language… for it also means that without language, we should take to only having sensations… raw fear and energy that is unplayable, not containable into words.

For words have given the mind a lullaby, and somehow in its usage finds some sort of solace… solace in words, but I cannot think that this is the only way that I should be able to spend my time? That over the course of my whole life this is all I can think to place on the paper besides me? Besides… who would take to wanting to see these words? For they are quite meaningless, but then maybe that’s my burden… to take these honest thoughts and somehow condense it into form, into a shape that is then meaningful… is that it?

And to each of us our own purposes, to each of us own our own identities: our Self and kindred being who cries out at night to be heard and awakened in the dawning hours. Oh, but the horror! The pity and sense of un-fulfillment that this voice will never be heard, never be given to form, given to rise up and beaten to death before it was ever given a chance to breath.

Do I breath?