The World

It was as if I typed enough things then I shall make them come true; the abstraction layer of life so as to give to others the requisite knowledge of abstraction! We think we understand abstractions, but can we really trace it to the root? And if we can’t trace it to the root, then what powerful tool are we using that we don’t understand that commands the magic behind the underlying reality?

Ah, but words! They give us such control over things, lead us to believe that we are mighty! For words! Words! Have given us certainty when in the beginning there was only uncertainty.

But what have we traded in exchange for words? I wonder it all the time… what have we lost because we have gained words? For it is a rule in nature that should one gain, one must lose, and should one lose, one must gain. There is always equivalence in some manner, but can we see the equivalence we have paid with words?

How much longing and wrestling away at demons have words brought to existence! And can man even understand anymore what is really there or what is just a mirage? But we have come closer and closer to achieving this dream state… where one day words will parallel reality: only, this reality will be completely virtual, but then, why should we care? The brain does not make a difference on the level of virtual versus non-virtual: what it sees is surely real: despite it happening across a computer screen.

And therein lies again the tradeoff… the mind makes no difference of the voice that sings across your laptop and the voice that sings in front of you. But then, should it make a difference? Or have we only confused ourselves more by beginning to believe that TV is reality…

Oh but what am I saying! TV? We live in the age of streaming! TV isn’t even a mirror of reality, personal taste is the reality… of selecting a variety of music, of “choosing” which of the curated articles you read, of musing of the crassness of movies all the same while watching them, which of course came from a recommendation…

All built upon words! Words! Abstraction, the beauty! But what have we given…

What does one make of stones?

Well? What does one make of them? Because at first one may look at a stone and think, well, tis’ just a stone, and surely because it is just a stone, that would leave it as such… a stone.

But then, another man or woman would pass by and say quite quickly, well, tis’ not just a stone! Is a weapon, look, and they would take the stone and feign an attack on the foolish man or woman who simply thought was just a stone.
And such an event of course would have a profound impact on a person, so much so that in the following days they would take to thinking tirelessly of this stone and of what it could be.

Perhaps a stone is a stone, but it also a weapon, and if also a weapon, then perhaps a toy! And this man or woman would then proceed to find the nearest child and engage in a game of catch with them, and given the rock was of the proper size, would end up having a jolly good time.

Amazed by the ingenuity of such a discovery, that a stone could be a stone, a weapon, and a toy, this man or woman would of course be compelled to go even further… perhaps a rock could also then be employed as a digging tool! And this same man or woman would of course take to using a larger sized rock to move the dirt upon the ground with relative success, enough again to be compelled into believing that this stone was now a stone, a weapon, and toy, and a shovel.
And the list would continue, each day a new discovery of the old… stone, weapon, toy, shovel, fire ring, jewelry, massage apparatus, weight, bowling ball, housing material, anchor, grinder, fake muscles, shade, and more… all from a stone?

And one day this man or woman would ask of his spouse or children, to please grab the nail clipper, for he or she desired to cut his or her nails, but of course nail clippers had not been invented yet, and no man or woman had a desire to cut their nails, and so the spouse and children would look around in bewilderment, unsure of what it was that the was that he or she desired…
And the first argument would erupt. For how could he or she have been wed to a spouse or have children so blind? So as to not see with clarity the nail clipper’s laying right there on the table… the stone.

And the spouse and children would sigh a sigh of relief. Of course, those were nail clippers… they certainly could be used to trim nails and though neither the spouse nor children did so, it was perfectly reasonable for someone to clip their nails, and so they would bring the stone… the nail clipper over.

And for the next few days everything was fine, and the family tolerated the man or woman’s use of nail clippers though they still saw the stone as a stone, but did not fuss when he or she asked for the nail clippers instead of the stone. That is, of course, until one day, this man or woman said to the family that he or she was going to kill themselves.

The family, shocked into terror, ran to this man or woman and held him or her dearly, so as to give reassurance, and of course ask for why he or she would ever want to do such a thing? And the man or woman would scratch his or her head, for how was it that he or she could have a family who is so naive as to believe that he or she was going to actually kill themselves? It was just an expression, for his or her nails were getting much too long and he or she desired to clip them again.

But this time the family would scratch their heads too, for what had come about this person, and what had led them to these sorts of… expressions? And upon further questioning the man or woman would explain his or her whole story, about the day he or she saw the stone and how another person came and used it as a weapon.

And how they began thinking of the stone, until, tired of thinking of the stone and began to think of life itself! And upon turning focus, it was like a grand discovery had been made, and he or she finally understood the foundation of life: for if the stone could be anything he or she wanted it to be, so it must follow that he or she could also be anything that he or she wanted to be.

Death was just a myth! For if I chose to be living, then I should be living. And if I chose to be dead, so I shall be dead. If I chose to be kind, so then I am kind. If I chose to be evil, so then I am evil. It matters not, so long as I have thought it!

The spouse and children scratched their heads once more, but owing to the certainty that he or she spoke to, they were inclined to believe him or her, and saw in this some sort of holy power. They too began to choose what was truthful to themselves and what was not (though they never bargained to test death, they still firmly believed that it was true that they could at once decide to be living or dead, and plus, who would ever choose death over living?), and it was in this fashion that man came to today.

Things I Did A While Back

At the end of 2014 into 2015, I had an obsession with tracking my time. I was previously using things like Rescue Time in order to track my time on the computer… and decided to escalate it as there was all this time that I wasn’t tracking off the computer.

I went manual. So from mid-November 2014 to the end of January 2015 I tracked all my activities to the best of my ability in a text file. Here they are.

I changed the names of people to GENDER_LETTER to reflect people who don’t reoccur often. Other names were switched to gender-appropriate aliases to protect identity. A few other things are switched for clarity and are denoted by THIS_SORT_OF_CASING, but everything else is raw.

When I played copious amount of video games, I logged it. When I had sex, I logged it. When I ate, when I showered, when I spoke with people, when I did homework, if I multi-tasked and listened to music while doing homework… it’s all there.

Context: This is a 19 year old boy in college who is planning to drop out of college at the end of the quarter: so around April. As a result, I didn’t go to class as often as most students and so a lot of hours were spent working on projects or else talking to people.

I’ll let the documents speak for themselves, but a few interesting facts over the course of the ~75 days:

I spoke to 61 different people: 32 females, 29 males.

With Emma, I spent 5 hrs 45 min in Nov, 28 hrs 45 min in Dec, 30 hrs in Jan for ~64 hours total.

With Sarah, I spent 23 hrs 30 min in Nov, 23 hrs in Dec, 7 hrs 15 min in Jan for ~53 hours total.

With Mike, I spent 30 min in Nov, 7 hrs in Dec, 14 hrs in Jan for ~21 hours total.

Cumulatively: that’s ~138 hours with the top 3 people.

I played a lot of video games: in November 0 hrs, December 53 hrs 30 minutes (HearthStone), and January 81 hours (CardHunter) for ~134 hours total, (roughly the same amount of time I spent with top 3 people…)

On the “work” front– really career related things like school, clubs, and projects:

For Classes/Studying, I spent 12 hrs in Nov,  48 hrs in Dec, 27 hrs in Jan for ~87 hours total.

For iOS Related projects/work, I spent 8 hrs 30 min in Nov, 17 hrs in Dec, 47 hrs in Jan for ~72 hours total.

For TECH_CLUB (which I created), I spent 30 min in Nov, 30 min in Dec, and 47 hrs 30 min in Jan for ~48 hours total.

Cumulatively: that’s ~207 hours in “career”-related activities.

I also spent a substantial amount of time reading, writing, and reflecting… but that’s nothing too new.

A few other notable moments:

When you don’t even know what you did for an hour:

Nov 26, 2014:
??? (10-11PM)

When you get food poisoning… and then

Nov 28, 2014:
Woke up at 4AM
Vomiting (4AM -> 9AM)

Still guesstimate how long you were food poisoned for

Nov 30, 2014:
Woke up at 8:50AM
Morning Routine + Filling in Nov 27/28 now (due to sickness) (8:50AM->9:10AM)

When one nap just wasn’t enough…

Dec 7, 2014:
Nap (3:10PM -> 3;44PM)
Nap (3:44PM -> 5:05PM)

But on a more serious note…

There was pain:

Dec 26, 2014:
Move out of Dad’s House(12:00PM -> 2:35PM)
Texted + Tried calling Sarah (11:20PM -> 12:00AM)
Insanity
Sleep at 12:15AM

And hope:

Jan 16, 2015:
Best Idea(11:50PM -> 12:30AM)

And a conclusion:

Feb 2nd, 2015:
Woke up at 10:45AM
->> DISCONTINUING THIS DOCUMENT. REASON: I don’t know, but I think I need to step away from rationality and precision of clarity. I must return to being okay with grey and uncertainty of my own actions.

A will to feel instead of analyze must be taken up.

All of this actually happened. Cognitive Dissonance. And the question still remains, how ought a person spend their time?

Well, how do you spend your time?

The Day is Night

Then take your suicide! Do it else the light of the day and swarm of the angels should come down, and holy fire will sanctify your life with light!

But then, you do not dare I see, you dare not take the last remains of your cowardliness and complaining to the ends of its meaning: then it is clear to me that you lack conviction even in your own words!

You wriggle about and mock life for its unfailing nature and hardiness, all the while still clinging, still holding onto the glimmer of light that douses your dreams at night with illusions of reckoning!

But to which side do you hold to then? For it cannot be that life is hard yet also holds reckoning? Is it in your own mind again that you have separated what cannot be separated?

Then you see, it is your lot to uphold both, and in each take its due course while in wait for the next bout of the cycle. So cast aside your longing eyes! Because in the dark you’ll wish for sunlight, and in the sunlight wish for dark! But why not laugh when the sun is gone, and rejoice when the hour has come, and the night has faded and the day has faded, and all that’s left is what you’ve become.

The Futility of Progress

I wrote this in May 2016:

~~~~
So long as there is self-thought, perhaps there can be progress. What to do now, next has always been the question. And is it so hard to see the way forward? Great. Finish finish finish. Why is it so hard to do something to physically be tired? Anti fragile is the way [1]. Anti fragile must be the way. Let me know god.
~~~~
Masturbation.

 

 
~~~~
Motivation crumbles, falls, fades and laughs on its way down. The man in the mirror reflects back at him, unable to stand and devoid of meaning. A blank reflection, a blank face, a nobody. This future stares easily, it is the future we’ve all known to agree to, to accept, to belong. We are tied in our mediocrity. And the millions on this earth some toil and work and for what? It is unheard…

But what marks of competency do you strive? To which skills do you derive? And do you compete against the greats? Or simply learn to embrace your own? There is shame and defeat in your body. There is the inkling that reality does not follow. That there is a place for softness, for love and tender, for things and beings. Who would call me but a lost fool? A man born to stumble, to fall and grasp, to keep at search. Is this not what I’ve known? Is this not my fate? There is a departure point. A moment that beckons and says: to move forward there is no return, there is nothing but you. Alone. And in this state, you’ll learn of your character. You will learn of your shame. You will learn of the end. What we want is not what we want. What we think is not what we think. What we wish is not what we wish.

And I will leave it at that.

—-
Footnotes:
[1] Anti fragile is a concept from a book that says whereas some things are worsened by disorder (i.e. entropy) some things are actually improved. Imagine shaking a box and having the contents inside that box benefiting from the shaking (vs what we normally think… which is that the contents in the box will be ruined, i.e. fragile).

AI

To build an AI requires less computation power, how does one throw less computation power and still achieve similar or better results than humans?

The answer is in the constraints. Humans are able to take an infinite number of ways to act and boil it down to one, an actuality. Thus, an AI should be able to do the same. Humans are constrained by their environments, mental knowledge (imitation), and identities… how does one constrain an AI then with code?

Who

you speak but you do not know where
you hear but you cannot listen
you walk about the air and still you cannot shine because you are unwise and do not know what is in your mind
when you turn to grievances and you look to see if there’s no more remorse
you cannot hear that the angels cry and there is another life

when words have filled the country and the men no longer take to mourning
when the women start to cry but do not know what their tears are holding
when everything is always lies but never speaking truth that hides in eager eyes
that is what will take me to buried treasures that hides under the ocean tides
when words are meaningless and we do not know what to make of them

that is why we have been told
that sleepless nights don’t amount to gold
that though the sun must shine and birds must fly
never has the air been so burnt and dry
that is why our hearts conceal and our minds are lost and cannot see

never has there been a time like this
never has there been a sickness spread so thick
never has there been a such a man
who in his selfishness digs his own rotten lies
never has there been a life that takes its own life and calls it pride

when you turn to grievances and you look to see if there’s no more remorse
that is what will take me to buried treasures that hides under the ocean tides
never has the air been so burnt and dry
who in his selfishness digs his own rotten lies
and all that’s heard is a mirror’s cry.