If it wasn’t apparent before, I hope it is now… I take a lot of notes in my spare time. Although I very seldom check them again. It’s as if the act of writing it down was enough for me to believe that I had remembered it and that information wouldn’t be lost.
Here are some notes I took in 2012 (Junior year of high school).
The group paid $1 had no outside justification, so they turned inward. They altered their beliefs to salve their cerebral sunburn. This is why volunteering feels good and unpaid interns work so hard. Without an obvious outside reward you create an internal one.
That’s the cycle of cognitive dissonance, a painful confusion about who you are gets resolved by seeing the world in a more satisfying way. As Festinger said, you make “your view of the world fit with how you feel or what you’ve done.” When you feel anxiety over your actions, you will seek to lower the anxiety by creating a fantasy world in which your anxiety can’t exist, and then you come to believe the fantasy is reality just as Benjamin Franklin’s rival did. [See Ben Franklin effect] He couldn’t possibly have lent a rare book to a guy he didn’t like, so he must actually like him. Problem solved
And yet again, I am surprised that I even typed this. But I guess that’s just who I am. OH WELL.
Did you catch that? Cognitive dissonance. BAM.
Apparently I got a head start and started thinking about marriage during 1st/2nd year of college.
Nov 22, 2014 4:16pm
Context: While reading I thought of something and I want to remember it. I was reading 7 principle of Making Marriage Work and it got to a list of common “dreams” (aspirations)
Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
^ Is this important?
I might have missed the point of reading a marriage book though since the author included the list so people could understand the spouses dreams… not their own.
Regardless, here’s the list:
From 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work (pg 218)
Context: List of common “deep” dreams
1. A sense of freedom
2. The experience of peace
3. Unity with nature
4. Exploring who I am
6. A spiritual journey
9. Unity with my past
11. Knowing my family
12. Becoming all I can be
13. Having a sense of power
14. Dealing with growing older
15. Exploring a creative side of myself
16. Becoming more powerful
17. Getting over past hurts
18. Becoming more competent
19. Asking God for forgiveness
20. Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
21. Getting over a personal hang-up
22. Having a sense of order
23. Being able to be productive
24. A place and a time to just “be”
25. Being able to truly relax
26. Reflecting on my life
27. Getting my priorities in order
28. Finishing something important
29. Exploring the physical side of myself
30. Being able to compete and win
34. Building something important
35. Ending a chapter of my life -saying goodbye to something
John M. Gottman, Nan Silver
Numero 20 resonated with three years ago me. It still resonates with me now, only this is three years later me exploring the old 3 years ago me. I wonder what the 3 years ago me felt like he lost and wanted to explore. Did that make sense?
A quote after my first year of college during summer, wrote in reflection of existential angst (2014).
“Life’s meant to get you, to fuck you, to beat you when you’re playing dead. It knows you’re not dead, continues beating, until you resign to actually trying again. Then down you go, faking dead as never before. And sometimes it works.”
But my own writing took a turn that I didn’t expect.
“Everyone forgets you, you forget yourself, the world wins, you win, everyone wins, you outsmarted the system. But you feel lonely. It get’s to be more difficult playing dead than being alive and fighting. Plus, everyone else around you playing dead are beginning to stink… wait. Anywho, when you get tired down there, get back up, and when you get back up, wipe that shit off your back. Like literally, no one wants to walk around with shit on their back. And if that’s too much effort for you, just remember what your parents told you. Better yet, remember what I told you. To remember what your parents told you.”
More quotes incoming…
Oh but how hollow I have seen myself
And the mirror deceives as it gleams my reflections off the walls
But it is only me.
It is only me.
Darling, what that I have past the time where I had once loved.
And in this I have landed somewhere far away
Far far into the beyonds of plains that your minds-eye could never go beyond.
I have seen it!
I have captured it…
But where do you sleep now?
Is it not in the same way as you have before?
But then why do I struggle?
Why do I pine for something that does not exist?
My dear, my dear,
But you see that I am who I have always been!
That much I have seen, that much I must see.
For I am the madman that stalks,
and never leaves
Walked into river
River much too cold
Cold is bad
made me think to want warmth.
Fire is warm
then hand get closer
Hot is bad
made me think no good at all.
Met a good man
he gave many gifts (wine and food)
Gifts are good
made me think to do the same.
I gave gifts (wine and food)
people angry, say I try to please too much
Gifts are bad
I will not give as much.
Good and evil
both the same
Will you dare, to make this claim?
For two or four nights I walked alone
And in my walking I carried my mother’s bones.
She had passed away centuries ago,
But in our day and age
These were some lovely bones
I walked across mountains
But never seas
I trampled over vegetation
But never good mead
And where there was good rest, I asked for it
And the people they always, complimented my good bones.
Yes! I proclaimed, these were the finest bones a man has ever seen
Porcelain in quality, just a lovely sight for
But two nights past and I felt that I had come a long way
I dropped my mother’s bones and left for some other day.
A note to self:
Think! What will the future me see about this that I do not see now?
That I want to act upon what things?
Minimizing regret, what I should do, ought to do –but there’s what’s hidden, what I will to do.
But is my will stubborn? And was this stubbornness knocked out of my two feet into humility? And was my stubbornness that bore me to the other side?
But then why do I fight?
Because man is becoming in all fighting.
But I do not fight for myself.
I fight for the goal.
And that I should fight for it in all things I do or say –my striving.
That I should want humanity to look upon this decision one day and understand. That this is what must be done to arrive at anything.
That this process exactly, in vain, in spirit, in love, in hate, in dread, in fear! The worst bouts of fear! Be exactly what is willed and said.
That in essence, I cannot prepare for the decision I wish to make now, and that I can only have the ability to make the decision when I see my Dad, and within that time frame. Indeed that that is what can inform my decision, and that anything I make as a decision before that decision point is a weakness in my heart, and an unwillingness to compromise myself.
I must see the situation –then decide.
But the human would seek to erase what bothers him so quickly, to make it so that a decision is so arbitrarily made.
Is that what would compel all people nowadays? The illusion of decision, that is what I see, that people don’t see that all things are necessarily only within moment. But then we’re tricked by asynchrony. It would have us believe that things are happening as we are not there, and that we also by reflex are always capable and have the option of referencing “there.” There is no there, only here. And that a persistent data store would confuse you with a permanence that’s not there.
That’s not existent –you exist as you act, but are your actions really optionless? There is only so many options, but those options you must decide for yourself.
Based on this moment, this without any reference from the past: must I decide.
To all I can see
I am unclean
bathing in waters
I shall never leave
Let the cold waters
run through my soul
and find fire within
does it douse it out — no.
Moving on fire
walking on ice
The simplest bridge
towards passion and vice
Told me your hour
was still yet to come
what have we done
but squandered our lonely —
bear with the pain I see, the ocean waves will never cease
And here I know what’s in my soul
It’s nothing I will ever be
So broken and shattered
I’m waiting for you
So making it past me
Is something I knew
And what’s more for me, the evening of death
And where do we stand in loneliness.
Shine a light, my waking moment
Closing light, a dawning time.
In angels wings I rode to heaven
And in the battlefield, they stood and fought
My abandoned values, I watched as they starved themselves, maimed the others, spoke, and loved, and spilt their blood, as I left their lands, cast above.
Could I not see? Could I not but hear the muses sing? Oh but there are no muses, I have been deceived! Who called out that this is where the miracle speaks?
Who calls out? The air my dear. And I have left my values, fighting as I stare.